Grr...

I've attempted to write numerous blogs on varying subject, ranging from cheating to relationships. Why haven't those blogs made it up? Well I haven't been able to fully gather my thoughts. Not that I truly care if I make complete sense to everyone who reads my blog, although I do thank you for taking the time out your day to entertain yourself with my thoughts, but I like to have a grasp of a complete thought. Not one jumbled up with confusion and unmercifully disorganized. I like to have a certain understanding of my thoughts. I want to be able to pick at it, and zoom out to a bigger picture. As of late, my mind hasn't found a center. Maybe its that fact that I've been menstruating for 2weeks straight ( if you felt that was tmi, then maybe you have a littler growing up to do, wake up..it is apart of life).
I've been a tad bit crabby lately, and I find my patients for certain people decreasing minute by minute. I go on long walks or just sit up thinking at night trying to calm my nerves and possibly relax, but then all is short lived. Even the enjoyment for one of my favorite past times is slowly depleting, thanks to a certain commenter who annoys me. Its like a car accident, you see it, you try not to look, but you can't help it, and you stare (in this case read), and feel unsettled at the end of it all.
Then I find myself frustrated with myself, because when an ex calls me with hopes of getting together..I ACTUALLY TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION! WHY?! Because apart of me thinks that they may have grown up or had some form of an epiphany. Fortunately, I was able to slap myself with the back hand of reality. I broke up with said person for a reason, therefore I need to keep it pushing, especially since I know that I had cheated on him. Yea yea..shame on me. I can own up to it, and I cannot blame anyone but myself for the deed. I should have broke up with him, when I knew I really didn't care for him, considering how it was more of a pity relationship. Its crazy, you break up with a boy 7 times, but yet he still has this ideology that one day we will be married with 2 kids. HA! Get your life together, and try to accomplish some goals for yourself. I may sound evil, but he needs to face reality. He is the first and only and last boy I ever cheated on, I learned something from that experience in regards to myself.
Ironically I would like to be in a relationship, of course not with the boy from the previous paragraph, but someone I can build a strong connection with. I want to shower some attention on someone, just like I want some attention showered on me. However, I'm really not up for talking to 20 different guys. I want something serious, secure, intimate, fulfilling, and all the other things I've mentioned in other blogs.
But now I lay here with a slightly stuffed nose, go figure, struggling to breathe. Not only figuratively but literally. I'm not fully hung up on the guy situation, I have a lot more other issues occupying my mind. I do have a lot to do, but so little time.Nevertheless, I look forward to moving back on campus mid August.
Well thats all for now...grrr