Crossing the Line

The other day I was talking to a male friend regarding relationships. And we stumbled across a few things we both didn't agree on. There were certain things, he believed would be okay to do, while I felt like it was crossing the line. You maybe wondering what invisible line I am referring to, well its the one that distinguishes the difference disrespecting a relationship and harmless gestures.
Lets take a closer look at relationships. As you may have read in previous blogs, I am a total advocate for equality in relationships. I also feel that, relationships are a self learning process. When I first started getting into relationships, the guys I dated help mold what the kind of individuals I was attracted to and why. Now as I have reached and older age and maturity, my aspirations for getting into relationships is not to figure out what I like; it is to come across the person whom I feel could be in a sense Mr. Right. This may not be everyones outlook, but it s mine. So if I get into a relationship that has reached the "serious" phase, there are certain things that I don't find acceptable because it is crossing the line. And the major one is, getting other girls number while we are going out. I do not see the reason to get prospective numbers when you are in a serious relationship. If you are in a relationship, why are you still looking. This was a major debate between him and I. I understood some of his reasoning, but I did not agree with it. If a guy looks at another girl while I am with him, I do not think it is a big deal. It is human nature, but if he gawks then approaches her, he needs to be prepared to see me walk away and keep it pushing. My friend tried to justify it by saying that when he goes up to these other girls, he is just playing around, well, If you are saying stuff that you wouldn't say in front of your significant other. Then maybe you aren't playing around. If you aren't happy, then end the relationship.


For those that read my blog, what is something that crosses your line?

I Hate Drama

I truly hate drama. I do not find it to be exciting, I do not find it to be worth while. I avoid it like a plague! I do not like dabbling in other peoples problem, and I do not like speaking on issues that do not have a thing to do with me. I feel like drama is a waste of good useful energy.
If someone has a problem with a person, go address the issue like a mature adults. Do not turn around telling everyone creating a bigger issue. If that someone can't approach the person they are having issues with, then they need to let it go.
The inspiration for this blog, is due to the continuation of spring break drama. I am now short one friend than what I had started with. The issue rose to higher levels than it needed to. And it truly spoiled a good night, me and my organization won first place for our dance in the talent show. Well back to the point, drama and controversy is not my cup of tea. It is a serious pet peeve. The spring break issue would not have been a big deal had I kept my issues to myself.

I DO NOT LIKE DRAMA....I PURPOSELY AVOID IT LIKE...PLEASE DO NOT BRING IT AROUND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Captain Save a Thug

I always find myself wanting to help others. When I was a college peer counselor, I felt like it was my duty to help all students see the pathway to education. As a nursing student, I feel it is my duty to keep my family informed of the health...like the true difference between type 1 & 2 diabetes, telling my mom why she gets muscle spasm..etc
When it comes to my close friends, I like to see them prosper. I cheer them on when the need the motivation. I stick by them when the world is serving them a buffet of sour lemons. When they are angry, I calm them down. When they need to vent, I'm the ear that listens. I am there for the people I care about.
One of my best friends is trying to turn his life around. He is struggling between that phase of a teenage boy and being a young man. I see the potential in him to be successful if he stops taking 20 steps back. He joined the military to get away from being in a gang, fighting, drama, and his neighborhood. During those times, he would call me when he was hyped on doing something he knew damn well he should be doing. And I would talk some sense in him, and usually stopped him from fighting over illegitimate issues. So when he became a sailor, I cheered him on..my mom, my sis, and my brother cheered right along next to me. My brother being a Chief in the navy reach out, telling me that my friend can contact him if he ever needed help and advise.
But recently my best friend isn't doing to well the major changes he has made. He hopes to get sent to base close to home, well damn near at home, to partake in what he is familiar with-gangs. He knows he shouldn't go down that road, and I added my two cents of stuff he didn't want to hear but knows it is true.
Yes, I know, you can't change people if they don't want to change themselves. But at the same time, I don't want my friend to join the long list of statistics. He's interested in the medical field, he can run faster than Forest Gump, and he's intelligent. there is a lot he can do with himself, he just needs to stop looking at just today and expand his views. This is what makes me want to throw on my captain save a thug cape.
I want to help my friend, but some where in the back of my head..I can't help someone that doesn't want to be help..that doesn't want to help themselves...frustration!

Domestic Violence

Today I walked through school quad, looking at shirts. These weren't just random shirts, they each had messages on them. They ranging from "I am a product of my mother rape...I wonder if she wish I wasn't here" to " I fucking hate you, why did you do this". The words on those shirts came to life and screamed for the world to notice. Look at each one almost made me share a few tears of my own.
I, like so many people, know the pain of domestic abuse. I know the fear of living in a house that felt far from a home. I remember my father beating my mother, I remember the screaming, the broken glass, my mother in the hospital. I grew up in a house where it was a royal rumble just about everyday. The sound of my father's truck approaching the house was enough to put me and my siblings on our toes. Making sure everything was perfect.
I developed nervous habits like biting my nails, and never speaking up. I was always anxious, and rarely happy...mostly scared. It wasn't until I was 7 or so when my mom called the police to put an end to the physical abuse.
But the verbal kept going..and my father still had his moments. I remember laughing in my room with my cousins, apparently I was laughing to loud. My father came into my room pulled me by my arm and swung me against the wall, telling me that I need to shut up because he didn't want to have to hurt me. I laid on the floor and cried, looking at my mother for security, but she walked into the garage and continued doing laundry. Then my cousins asked to be taken home.
I knew why my mom didn't do anything, she was still scared. Eventually she stopped sleeping in the same room with him because she feared for her life. So we slept in the last room together with the doors locked.
When my parents finally split the verbal abuse didn't stop. During those times of stress, my mom took it out on me. Blamed me for a lot things. Saying she stayed in a bad marriage because of me. I felt like she hated me, and I hated my father.
But like the saying go, time heals wounds. I have had conversations with both my mom and father( I know call him DAD). I have been able to rebuild relationships with both of them, although I've always been closer to my mom. Now me and my dad are traveling a new path. Going through the emotional rollercoaster was crazy. It took away the innocence of my childhood. However I stand strong today because I refuse to let my past break me down. Some of those life lessons were learned to early, but it is exactly why I am so mature now. When I look at my older brothers and sister, I see how our childhood as affected all of us.
It wasn't until the fall of 2006 that my mom realized how much I had remembered. So this is my message, there is more to just recognizing that Domestic Violence is wrong. It has to stop! Don't condemn the woman who stays in it, support her and help her realize she is strong enough to make it out. Don't sit back and ignore it when you hear a friend talk about knocking the significant other upside the head. Especially when there are children involved, we remember everything. But not all of us is able to grow through the pain.
The shirts I read today hit really close to home, but I'm not sitting back doing nothing. Me and the other members of our organization are collecting clothes and toiletries for women and children in shelters. And tomorrow, as the fair continues, I am doing my part.

Recognizing My Flaws

As I mentioned in my previous blog, NON-PERFECT PERFECT YOUNG MAN, I tend to do a lot of introspection. I always felt like it was important to know your own self prior to truly knowing what/who you want. Well in being able to do that; I am able to not only recognize my good attributions, but also my flaws. I know I am not perfect, and I know that any person that I spend my life with will have to accept me for all I am. And I will have to accept him for all he is.
When I think of my flaws, I know they can be broken up into different categories:

• General flaws: the flaws that are blatant imperfections.
• Subjective flaws: Some may see it as a flaw, others see it as a quality.
• Situational flaws: lol I made this up, but basically, its the kind of habits that only happens during the whole "there is a time and place for everything", they are things that only occur during certain situations.
  

1. General flaws: Mood swings, Drool when I sleep, not always punctual (not always late), sensitive (but well at holding things in), I can hold a grudge, crabby, I hit like a man, stubborn, procrastinator, too analytical, I spread myself too thin, When aunt flow comes..she doesn't play.
   
2. Subjective flaws: Sarcastic, feisty, too patient, romantic, too observant, over-protective, too self-reliant ( I do a lot on my own, some guys feel like I won't let them be the "man"), too aware of my surroundings, not too big on a whole lot of PDA, I don't like roller coaster, I have a fear of heights, I suck my teeth ( a belizean ting), Don't like doing other peoples dishes, I have an issue with grammar as far as writing essays go, always like getting straight to the point, I tell long stories, random, I'm a planner( I'm not to big on doing extremely crazy spontaneous things), and big on creating budgets (some people like to splurge, I like to view my account...calculate, then make a spending budget), I enjoy self-pampering, I have difficulties accepting gifts, I laugh at others embarrassing moment(primarily because I can laugh at my own)I don't like what if's (I don't like thinking back and wondering...what if I did this/that), I always have an explanation for my actions...may be even others. I have an old soul( sometimes I act like a woman 3 times my age..lol)
   
3. Situational flaws:I can be sometimes anti-social, I like pushing people buttons, I can be bold, I can be shy, I can be too quiet or talkative, quick tempered( I do a good jobs at checking myself..Im not big on yelling in public), I can be messy but when I clean up..I CLEAN HOUSE, Don't respond well to people who try to control me... but I do respond to authority(ie; a man telling me I can't wear a skirt will not fly...If my job prohibits skirts then I will oblige), I can get jealous (but like my temper..I always check myself on it), I can sometimes follow the rules to a T...at the same time I bend them, I can be sometimes selfish( Please don't ask me to share my chocolate bar), I can be difficult( I don't always like making things easy), at times I'm not much of a morning person..other times I am, Sometime I just don't care,Not big on being a homebody...but I do enjoy relaxing at home, I can be goofy, I can be too serious, I can be really cold( cross far beyond the line..I just cut you off), and I can sometimes be a pack-rat (somethings I just can't throw away), I am sometimes a wild sleeper.

I'm not sure how many thing I listed...but they sum up my flaws. I am a human being, and I am not perfect. I can easily list my good qualities, but obviously if they are good then there shouldn't be a problem. People generally get irritated at the flaws they didn't know existed until after they spend those nights together. That "perfect" person starts to have an annoying habit of not saying thank you, or they shower only twice a weeks..lol..People spend so much time trying to be perfect that they momentarily hide who they truly are, eventually what ever they hide will come to surface.
Unmask yourself, accept who you are, and be comfortable with it. I know who I am, I know how I am...I know what I can accept and put up with.

NON-Perfect, Perfect Young Man

According to psychology, there is a theory known as the mere exposure effect. That theory states that an individual is liable to be more attracted to something/someone he/she has previously been exposed to. As I ventured into the world of attraction to the opposite sex, I found that I was attracted to particular personality and physical traits. Many being traits that the men in my life embodied, my 2 older brothers, father, cousins, and male friend. Although I question some of the things they do or have done, I still see it as reference points. Then, as I continued to date, I realize what "undesirable" traits I could and could not tolerate. In 2006 I composed a list of my NON-Perfect, Perfect young man...and even wrote a poem. I know I'm pretty young to have such a list, but I can't help that I know what I want. I am a person who does a lot of introspection, and I am able to divulge just about all my traits (good or bad). When I made my "little" list, I kept in mind the age of the guys I would prefer to date. So in other words, there are minor things that most men should already have down packed, but someone my age may be on the road to getting there: i.e, a drivers license. I normally don't reveal my list to the person of my interest; I want to make sure these are their true characteristic, and not a role they are trying to play. Some of the things on my list have been re-worded to better articulate what I want. Well enjoy!!!(FYI: if the person kind of has the trait or is close they get half a point..lol)

Non-Perfect, Perfect Young Man

Name: Height:

Age: D.O.B.: Sign: Date:

					o Intelligent	o Has a car / driver’s license
					o Goal Oriented	o Has a job
					o Conversive	o Sports fan
					o Open-Minded	o Not a gang member
					o Slightly protective	o Supportive / Encouraging
					o Tall (6 ‘ 1 or Taller)**	o Sexually Fulfilling
					o Humorous	o Between ages 19-24*
					o In tune with their Roots	o Decisive
					o Respectful	o Has a Nice Smile
					o Can Dance	o Comforting
					o Can cook	o Down to Earth
					o Well Kept / Good Hygiene	o At least gets along with my mom
					o Humble/Faithful/Honest	o Hard Working
					o Attractive	o Nice Feet/Legs/ Big Hands **
					o No Kids/ But someday	o Family Oriented
					o In College/ Productive	o Has Self-control/Responsible
					o Patient	o Gone through struggles
					o Not Feining for Sex	o Willing to teach me &vise versa
					o Romantic	o No STD’s
					o Poetic	o Generally Punctual
					o Strong State of Mind	o Unselfish
					o Slightly Aggressive/Not Abusive	o Observant
					o Has a sense of self	o Appreciative
					o Slightly Persistent	o Some form of faith
					o Slightly Stubborn	o Sociable

Total: _____ / 50

Andrea S...... / September 1, 2006

Revised March 06, 2008

* Subject to change

** I'm 5'8 and thick..therefore I enjoy feeling small next to my man..especially since I've been surrounded by tall people most of my life (mom=5'11 sis=5'10 bro=6'7 bro=6'5 dad=6'0)

Here's the poem I wrote a while ago..lol

Where are the good ones

Where are the good ones
that know their boundaries
Who appreciate
a girl who wants to wait

Where are the good ones
who can be happy with holding hands
And kissing
and are worth missing

Where are the good ones
that know money doesn't by love
but spending
time is way more fulfilling

Where are the good ones
who can be grateful for my intelligence
and can match it
with their own

Where are the good ones
with paramount goals of their own
that aren't boys
but young men
who aren't a perfect tens
because of imperfections
that make them complete perfections

Andrea S..... April 23, 2006

The suffocating cost of Tuition

• 1 year= $25,320
• Room and Board= $9,620.00
• Books for 1st semester= $800
• Books for 2nd semester= $150 (I hopped on half.com for cheaper books)
  
• Other Misc expenses= ?
• Total= about $36,000

The above is the expense break down for my first year of college, which I am still going through. Yes I received financial aid, scholarships, loans, and work study. So all in all my first year cost about $8,000. Which would be no big deal, If I were rich, but I'm not. So that hefty sum was broken into monthly payments. From the beginning, those payments haven't been easy to make. I feel bad when I go home on Fridays and see my mom's fridge empty. I'm exhausted from working two jobs, but I can't quit neither one because they contribute to my education.
I think I cried about 3-4 times last semester because of the stress of paying for school, and the fear of being kicked out because of delinquent payments. Its something that makes me tear up now. Its like a sever kick to my moral. I can't sleep, at the same time, when I do get some shut eye...I have a hard time waking up. I've had off and on chest pains, irregular eating habits, and mood swings. All because of the cost of my education, the price of knowledge. I get fed up with seeing my account on hold, it makes me want to take out another loan..but I can't I already have two.
And then my blood begins to boil when I see how much is spent on foreign affairs while the cost of education is on the rise. WHERE IS THE HELP STUDENTS NEED!!! How are we supposed to stay positive when the constant reminders telling us...your late on payments...so you can't make that change in your classes.
Yes, I know.... why did I chose to go to a private college? The nursing major is a competitive one. I didn't want to go to a public University where the class rooms would have well over 200 students and the professors were few numbers ( thats even if its a professor teaching..it might be a Teacher's Assistant). And I wanted a greater window of opportunity to get into a nursing program. The programs as a whole are under staffed, so spaces are limited everywhere. A smaller college= a greater chance. 300 students for less than a 100 spots versus 150 students for 90 spots. I choose the right school academically and opportunity wise. But damn the cost is killing me. I know I owe my mother big time for investing in me. I have my goals set for myself, but its the fact that my mom is sacrificing to pay...and those loans that I already took out..thats pushing me. I'm not going to lie...This past month has seen me stumble..but I have to get back on top of my game. Even if that means I end up with Vons grocery size bags under my eyes. I'll probably wont go sleep after I post this..I'm not sleepy..and its 3:36 AM.
I can only wonder about the leaders of our nation...how do you expect us to become knowledgeable leaders...when the cost of education is increasing...the amount of federal funding seems scarce...and money seems to be going everywhere but schools and hospitals. It sure is sad to know that scholarships, loans, two jobs, and parental help..still isn't enough.
To the people thats made it..I applaud you..to students traveling the same path as I...keep your head up and be strong...to those about to go through it..kick down doors and aim to strive. For those that stopped..it is never to late to go back.


I just hope that our next President addresses these issue...

The Woman's Responsibility in a Relationship

For the past few days, I have been reading blogs written by Single Black Male aka "SBM". I enjoy the way he articulates his opinions and thoughts. As of recently, those thoughts revolved around the interesting courtship between women and men. In his most recent blog, " Moving on...", He states "One thing I have not heard at all is what is the woman’s role in things. What is she responsible for? What does she need to do to make the relationship work and prosper?"
Well I would like to answer that question.(Lets all keep in mind, my blogs are written based on my opinions and how I see things... If you agree..great..if you don't..great) To start off, as a young lady, I have always been taught how a man should and shouldn't treat me. At the same time I was also informed on how to do my part in order to maintain a functional relationship. Which is, the ability to put equal effort into the relationship. If I have something on my mind I should be able to verbally express it, but I must also be able to sit down and listen to what he has to say. Just like I expect him to compromise on certain situations, I must be able to do the same. Basically, I must be able to do all I expect of him to do for me or the equivalent. I am there to not only be his "Woman", but also his friend and vice versa.
I think many relationships disintegrate because someone feels unappreciated, and there efforts were not being matched. Which can correlate with a communication problem. If one is unable to communicate how unsatisfied they are, how do they expect their partner to know. For example, if he doesn't say "thank you" after a back rub, I may assume he doesn't appreciated them but expects them. When in actuality, he feels that because he constantly requests them, that I will assume he likes and appreciates it. Obviously a small issue made out of nothing, all I would have had to do is ask if he liked my back rubs, then everything would be fine.
All in all, a woman's role is either equal or equivalent to a man's. If its not, then it is a one sided relationship. And in one sides relationships, someone is bound to get fed up a leave.