Brrrrr..its cold in here.

My public persona is definitely a façade many fall for. I smile, laugh, comfort, make conversation, and exchange all pleasantries. Why, because I am a people’s person, and I love working with individuals.

However, truth be told, I have become a rather cold person. Yes I still become emotional about some things, I’m human, but things do not affect like they used to. When I cry, its not due to being sad, but being so frustrated-so angry.

Take for instance the day of my birthday get-together. I found myself frustrated with the amount of people who canceled last minute. Had it been a normal gathering, per se at my place, it would have been an issue. However, it was at a bowling alley where I had to reserve lanes in order to accommodate my guests. I had planned early, and requested conformation for attendance plenty of times. Yet still, last minute people were canceling, and I was watching possible book money go down the drain. So out of pure frustration and talking to my lovely cousin who was trying to cheer me up, I cried. Nonetheless, I had a wonderful time with those who came to celebrate.

Later that night, something very shady went down. I will not go into complete details, but a best friend, whom I thought would have some respect for me crossed the line. Now instead of going off, doing bodily harm, belittling, or anything of that nature- I stayed abnormally calmed…got out the car… and walked home at 2am. I didn’t cry, throw things or anything. I was just extremely pissed off, and cut that best friend out of my life telling him to refrain from contacting me.

As of late, I notice how easy it is to dismiss someone from my life without a second thought or feeling. Am I proud of this, no. At the same time I almost do not care.

I’m starting to wonder, if I am truly losing the warm caring part of myself.

That’s it for now, maybe I will expand on this later.

Today is my Birthday

I am 19, woot woot. Although I had a 12 hr work day, I still managed to fit in a bit of fun with family. However, this Saturday, will be another story. ;-D

So the other day

I was clearing up some stuff in my room, and I came across a notebook. This is no ordinary notebook that I had for school, it was the "best friend notebook", yes I know so juvenile. But it is very entertaining to re-read its content. See this is how this notebook worked. I would get it for a duration of time, I would write about the interesting events in my life. Then, when I would see my bestfriend(at the time) I would give it to her and she would do the same. We did this because she didn't have a phone for a while, and we both would go through some interesting days,s0 when we finally did talk, it was too hard to try and recall all that had happen. So if i didn't have the notebook, and something crazy occured, I would just write it on a loose leaf piece of paper, then add it to th three ring binder named the "best friend notebook" later. She would do the same if I had the notebook.
Well as I was going through the notebook, I found a few lists we had made. Stuff like rules for dealing with boys..lol, and the list of guys we dated and kissed. After looking at this list, I realized it doesn't need to be updated by much-my love life is pretty much non-existent. Anyway, looking at the list of ex's, it made me think of the time I had dated each of the 9*. I also noticed how I often back tracked with a few. Well going through those relationships, I was reminded of the songs some these guys dedicated to me. So I went on ahead and created an imeem playlist. There are a few dedicated songs that I do not remember because its been a while. I will not lie, I dedicated a few songs to some boys too, but we don't need to get into that. Well here's the list, enjoy, and think back to the songs someone may have dedicated to you.

*some ex's dedicated more than one songs, while others didn't dedicate anything. Those were the ones I most likely dated for a week or less.

Grr...

I've attempted to write numerous blogs on varying subject, ranging from cheating to relationships. Why haven't those blogs made it up? Well I haven't been able to fully gather my thoughts. Not that I truly care if I make complete sense to everyone who reads my blog, although I do thank you for taking the time out your day to entertain yourself with my thoughts, but I like to have a grasp of a complete thought. Not one jumbled up with confusion and unmercifully disorganized. I like to have a certain understanding of my thoughts. I want to be able to pick at it, and zoom out to a bigger picture. As of late, my mind hasn't found a center. Maybe its that fact that I've been menstruating for 2weeks straight ( if you felt that was tmi, then maybe you have a littler growing up to do, wake up..it is apart of life).
I've been a tad bit crabby lately, and I find my patients for certain people decreasing minute by minute. I go on long walks or just sit up thinking at night trying to calm my nerves and possibly relax, but then all is short lived. Even the enjoyment for one of my favorite past times is slowly depleting, thanks to a certain commenter who annoys me. Its like a car accident, you see it, you try not to look, but you can't help it, and you stare (in this case read), and feel unsettled at the end of it all.
Then I find myself frustrated with myself, because when an ex calls me with hopes of getting together..I ACTUALLY TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION! WHY?! Because apart of me thinks that they may have grown up or had some form of an epiphany. Fortunately, I was able to slap myself with the back hand of reality. I broke up with said person for a reason, therefore I need to keep it pushing, especially since I know that I had cheated on him. Yea yea..shame on me. I can own up to it, and I cannot blame anyone but myself for the deed. I should have broke up with him, when I knew I really didn't care for him, considering how it was more of a pity relationship. Its crazy, you break up with a boy 7 times, but yet he still has this ideology that one day we will be married with 2 kids. HA! Get your life together, and try to accomplish some goals for yourself. I may sound evil, but he needs to face reality. He is the first and only and last boy I ever cheated on, I learned something from that experience in regards to myself.
Ironically I would like to be in a relationship, of course not with the boy from the previous paragraph, but someone I can build a strong connection with. I want to shower some attention on someone, just like I want some attention showered on me. However, I'm really not up for talking to 20 different guys. I want something serious, secure, intimate, fulfilling, and all the other things I've mentioned in other blogs.
But now I lay here with a slightly stuffed nose, go figure, struggling to breathe. Not only figuratively but literally. I'm not fully hung up on the guy situation, I have a lot more other issues occupying my mind. I do have a lot to do, but so little time.Nevertheless, I look forward to moving back on campus mid August.
Well thats all for now...grrr