Like a box of chocolates

Life is so....interesting. The way things unfold can be so unexpected, but can provide a much better outcome compared to what was originally planned. As I reflect back on last year and return to the present, there are a things that occurred that I did not expect to happen. Many events blind sided me all at one time, particularly at the end of the year. 

There was an intense mixture of pain, disappointment, anguish, despair, anger, and somewhere beneath everything else- happiness. Had I not gone through some of the things that I went through in life, I am not sure I would have been able to recognize that happiness among the rest of the negative feelings that I was encountering. 

It was like standing at the center of a fort, made out playing cards. Looking at how well I placed each card perfectly against another, to support each other, and surround me. Then, having it all fall down around me mercilessly, not leaving one card standing up. To witness so much hard work fall to pieces, was devastating. Yet, the one positive thing, is knowing that I have the opportunity reshape my structure, and perhaps build something stronger. 

In this new year, I have re-routed my educational path, and studying a new major, there by completing my degree in December. I've opted out of living on campus so I could afford to finish school, because if left up to my college, I would be without a degree and in debt. 

Among other things, my relationship with the "love of my life" ended. There is something comical about that statement. I bounce between trying to figure out if I was in love with him or the idea of him, or maybe I bounce between the two to find the least painful truth. 

I would be lying to say that I do not think of him or that my heart does not ache when he crosses my mind. Then to add insult to injury is the inquisitions from my mother, asking every so often if I heard from him or the fact that she still have old pictures around the house with him and I in them together. Even I cannot bring myself to erase the picture I have of him, because I am just the kind of person to hold on to momentous.  I still have pictures and poems from Ex's that I dated back in high school. I won't lie, when the hurt was fresh,  I blocked him from every aspect of my life, but now as I approach new resolves, I have unblocked him but deleted him. I'll file the memories where they belong, because there were good time.

However, as I continue with this year, I am not looking for a relationship...I am going to enjoy my single status and focus on my academic/career goals. There is something to be said about my generation, especially when it comes to being mature adults.

Its 6:32 am

Why am I up at 6:32 am, well because I was hoping that my boyfriend would sign on skype, yahoo, or aim so we could...talk. The 16hr time difference doesn't make it all to easy to chat it up, but in the initial phases of our relationship, it would work out. Now I'm doing what I did during this past school year, staying up late or waking up super early, just to talk to him. I do it, because I care, if I didn't, I would go on about my business without a care in the world.
However, more often than not, he wouldn't be online at all. Grant it we both have busy schedules, but damn it, I'm making some personal sacrifices. I do it because I want to invest the time in our relationship, so I go out of my way...do things that aren't the most convenient for me. Yet I never get a warning or notice that he won't be available, so its like a guessing game.
Quiet frankly, I want to know exactly how he feels about this relationship, and where does he see it going, with him being 100% honest with me. Even if he sees it going nowhere, and isn't happy, I want him to tell me. Be blunt and honest, so I can know what my options are. If this isn't working for him, I'm a grown woman, and can handle that truth.
I honestly don't ask for much, and thats why I get mad as hell when I don't get what I ask for. Really how hard is it to let someone know you won't be available when we have all the technology in the world. How hard is it to just be real about how you feel about things, let me know if your done. You know I love keep sakes, how hard is it to send one damn keep sake, like damn, can't ish be balanced. I treat him how I want to be treated, and I sure don't feel like I'm being treated right.
I've tried to be understanding, but certain things bring my blood to a boil. I dislike wasting my love on someone that wont cherish it.
This add to my frustration. I swear people assume my life is perfect...they don't know the half of it....

Where Does the Time Go

This year is moving extremely fast! One minute its January and the next, its almost June. It truly amazes me how things happen so quickly.
Any who, I've just finished my first week of summer vacation, and it hasn't seem like much of a vacation. I've been so busy running errands and having meetings, basically resembling the schedule I had while I in school. Oh, and thats the reason why my blog hasn't really been updated, I was extremely busy with school. I didn't have as many commitments this year, but I invested more energy into what I was committed to, hence me being MIA.
I just re-read some of my old blog entries, and aside from cringing at my typos, I felt the need to provide updates. Well lets start off with my summer plans. I was supposed to travel all over the place, going to Georgia, Japan, and maybe Chicago. Well, looking at my boyfriend's military schedule, the trip to Japan is not going to happen. To make such a trip needs advanced planning, and his schedule changes more often than I change hairstyles, so we will have to stick to skyping and chatting. It also doesn't help that I will be working and trying to take summer classes, along with manage other extra-curricular activities. My trip to Georgia is also a no-go, my work schedule conflicts with the days I was supposed to go out there, and I haven't had much communication with my best friend. She's been busy, as have I, and trying to coordinate days have not been easy. Hopefully she is still able to make it out here for the summer, if not, then maybe I'll see her in the winter. The Chicago trip was supposed to happen with the best friend, and I know for a fact she won't be able to make that trip and neither will I.
I was supposed to go to Vegas for my birthday weekend, but my sisters both flaked on my plans back in March. Mind you, my Birthday is in July, so instead I'm having a party. My party is themed as Naughty 21, and it will be loads of fun, if I can find a freaking location to have it. I need a place that won't mind noise and a little bit of traffic, and preferably somewhere I can stay overnight.
Other than that, my summer will consist of me working on campus, taking summer classes, paying off debts, and saving money. I'm trying to have a restful summer, so I won't be tired when the fall semester kicks in, I already know my fall semester will be CRAZY!!! If anything, I am mostly looking forward to winter break, thats when my honey bun will be home to visit. Hopefully those plans do not change, but life is very unpredictable, and anything is capable of happening. I'm just praying, that those particular plans remain the same.
As far as any other news in life. I'd like to share that my hair is growing long and thick. I LOVE it, I straighten it every so often to see its length... WOOT WOOT to natural hair. I am definitely on the road to losing weight, I'm on the Melvin's diet, appropriately named after my brother, since he eats everything in sight, and I am always left hungry. And lastly....hmmm..well I'm sure there is something else I would like to share but I can't put a finger on it.
Anyway, look out for more posts, I'm on vacation now, I have the time.

Bug-a who

I refuse to be a bug a boo. The idea of ever being one, makes my skin crawl. See, I treat others as I like to be treated and one thing I despised is being excessively bothered. I do not like people all in my face all the time, or constantly calling my cell non-stop. I enjoy my alone time, and at times, I just want to be left alone.
Since this is the way that I feel, I like to give others their space.
I do not like constantly calling, instant messaging, or texting someone. In my opinion, it can be annoying, because if I were in their shoes, I would find it annoying. So I'll call, maybe 2-3 times during the week. If I'm the only one making the call, and it kept ringing, then went to voicemail. I will cease calling, especially if I left a message. Clearly the phone indicates that there is a miss call and I left a message, meaning, if said person want to call me back...he will. When it comes to texting, I might text twice, if I don't receive a response, then its on the other person to hit me up. I live by the notion that everyone, like me, is busy and have a life or they want alone time. So I will not continue to pester someone. Especially with the advancements with technology, you can tell who contacted you,when, where, why, and how.
Instant messaging, operates a little different. If I instant message said person, and I am constantly starting a conversation and they constantly fall off the radar in the mist of the chat, I'm going to stop starting conversations. Hey, if they want to hit me up, they will.
I truly hate bugging people, because I hate being bugged. If I feel that I am constantly going out of my way, I will stop. This also applies in a relationship. Yea, I would love to talk to my boyfriend once a day, but only if he wants to talk to me. I'm not going to forced someone on the phone to live by a calling criteria. "You must call me once a day!" What kind of bs is that, if a person doesn't want to talk then they don't want to, I'm not going to force the situation. I definitely do not want to make someone converse with me, if they do not feel inclined to do so on their own.
However, if I feel that I am giving too much of myself to someone, I will withdraw. Aside from refusing to be a bug-a-boo, I refuse to invest my energy when the other isn't doing the same.
Love and happiness should reciprocate love and happiness.

Being Happy

You know that smile you get from the core of your body. I mean you can feel it making its way to your lips. And no matter how bad your day was, that happy feeling is still there. I swear I am not talking about something that is imaginary. This isn't the tooth fairy, or the leprechaun with a pot of gold, this is a true situation.
Aside from family and friends that are darn near like family, this is the first time I've found myself so happy in a relationship. No apprehensions or doubts, just complete happiness. I mean to simply think about this person, puts a smile on my face. When we talk, no matter what type of day I had, he makes my day.
I truly love him for all that he is, including his perfections and flaws. He really makes me happy, and there is nothing like being genuinely happy.