Let's hang out?!

When my ex asked me this question, I should have said NO.
Before I proceed let's rewind, remember that post titled, "Men with Woman Like Tendencies". Well, I am referring to the guy I mentioned in that post. Although I had known this guy for a while, we didn't really get to the nitty gritty of things until we started dating. While we were dating, I could tolerate some of his interesting behaviors. I took as traits that made him, who he was, and it is not up to me to change that.
However, a big reason why I broke up with him. It had been almost a month into our relationship, when there was a change in his living arrangements. He was moving from his grandparents to a house with roommates. Sound normal right...wrong!!! This is how he explained the living arrangements.
The house was already occupied by a couple who shared a room, so he was going to be staying in a different room. Here's the thing, apparently he would be sharing a room that only had one bed with a "lesbian" friend. To add to that, they told the other couple that they were in a relationship, so if I was going to visit I would have to be a friend. WTF, the same screwed up face that you have right now is the same face I had when he told me this over the phone. I'm not sure he would have told me all thins, had I not asked about the roommate situation. This i did, because I was curious to find out how he would be able to afford paying rent for a house, since that isn't a cheap expense. After he told me this, first thing that came to my head was, DRAMA. I got off the phone to ponder the situation.
My conclusion. This is life decision for him, and it is not my place to tell him to do otherwise. The way I saw it, since I didn't feel fully comfortable with the situation because it sounded like bullsh*t, it would be better if we remained friends. Plus it was a new relationship, so I didn't think it would be a big issue.
So when I called to have that discussion, he didn't pick. I left a message telling him "we needed to talk". Instead I received a text message, when I asked if he heard my message, he said he doesn't check voicemail messages. I let him know it was about our relationship, and he still didn't seem it was important enough to have a phone conversation. So basically, I broke up with him via text message.
3 weeks goes by, Its around November, he calls me like everything is still chipper. Saying that we haven't talked in a while. Asked me if my friends still ask about him. I said no, considering how he's an ex. He acts flabbergasted, saying, since when was he an ex. I reminded him of the night we broke up via text message.
According to him, "allegedly", his lesbian roommate was the one texting me back because he had let her borrow his phone that night. When he told me this, it sounded like bullsh*t, because I had also left a voicemail, and it had been 3 wks since the last time we had spoke. At the end of it all, I basically said, I guess it wasn't meant to be, and chalked it up as we should just be friends.
Since then, we would periodically talk, chat, and message each other. Nothing I took serious, other than a friendly conversation. He would recommend that we should hang out and what not, but truth be told, there were somethings about him that just annoyed me. At least on the phone I had an escape, in person, it wouldn't be so easy.
This past Friday, I was looking cute. And felt highly inclined to go out somewhere anywhere, and most likely by myself, since I already knew my current boyfriend couldn't hang out with me. So the ex calls, ask what I was up to, said I was at work. He suggested we hang out after work since I hadn't seen him since September.
(aside: my current boyfriend knows that I'm cool with a few of my ex's, so its no big deal if I hang out with them. He is aware that they are ex's for a reason)
So I said why not, then afterwards I could visit my mother, and return back on campus in enough time to talk to my boyfriend. Now considering the economic times, I'm broke, and I know my ex would be broke too. So I figured we would kick back at CityWalk, it's cheap, public, local, and several places to just sit down and chit chat. I had not intentions on spending his money or mine, trying to keep what I have in the bank. So I ate on campus before I left. Also, considering how he asked me to hang, I figured he would have money to by himself something to eat if necessary.
Apparently, I gave him too much credit. He spends about an hour complaining about his insecurities. Talks about how tough life is and how broke he is. I tell him I feel him on the broke part. Let him know how I haven't been shopping or spending extras, because its not feasible. Would you believe that this boy still had the nerve to ask me to get him something to eat. Talking about how he doesn't have not a single dollar in his wallet!!! WTF, so YOU asked to hang out, and you didn't even have enough funds to cover yourself. He already knows, I never go out without a little cash for myself. Something he learned while we were dating. I've never asked him for anything, even when he was working in a restaurant, I didn't swing by for free or discounted plate. It isn't my style. Anyway, I spent $5 on something for him to snack on. So we continue to chit chat, he starts trying to go down memory lane, when it used to be an "us", but I was whatever about it. It doesn't interest me. But then he decides to call his mom, to let her know he's going to be home a little late, and adding that I was going to drop him off. I was inches away from snatching that phone and saying "scratch that, your son will be on his way on the bus, using his bus pass!" It's not like he's just down the street, he's 30 min in the opposite direction during good traffic. Let's not forget, that he would not be compensating me for the gas I would be using to take him home. I am not his woman, he's a friend, but not that close of a friend that I wouldn't mind bending over backwards for. If you call me, and ask me t kick it, you should have your own funds and transportation put together. If you need my assistance, you should tell me before hand, so I can no whether or not I want to bust that mission. And the nerve to indirectly ask me. I should have gotten up and left his butt.
But I decided to be rational and nice. I drove him home, just my luck there was an accident on the freeway, and we talked in my car. He kept going on and on how he missed being together. I had already informed him earlier during that day, that I thought the whole living situation was BS, and that I have a strong disliking for drama, especially unnecessary drama. By the time I got him home, he ran through the list why he wish were together, what attracted him to me, what he didn't like about himself, and how he cherished the friendship I had with him since he couldn't be my boyfriend.
By the time we got to his mom's spot, I was ready to drop him off and roll. But he wanted me to meet his mother. I let her know I was a friend, and answered her questions about my education. I felt like I was being interview.
That Friday was a hot mess. NEVER AGAIN!!! There will definitely not be a next time, he better get use to hearing my voice over the phone.

Abandoned Blog

Yesterday, I received a comment on one of my post, and it hit me. I haven't written on my blog for a long time. I have abandoned it, like a 5 year old child who just seen a commercial for a new toy. But the truth of the matter is, I've been busy. Not quite having enough time to come one here and write post. Thankfully, the end of the semester is a few weeks away.
I plan on relaxing this summer. Although I do plan on taking some summer courses and working, I will schedule in time to just enjoy my summer.
It's been a tough semester, and realized I put a lot on my plate. Being coordinator of two completely different organizations on campus, while working two jobs, and being a full time student-was a bit too much. Let us not forget the other clubs that I was just purely members of. So I made the conscious decision to let go of a few orgs, and concentrate on my studies.
This will make time for some of the things I used to do, draw, write poetry, blog, going to the beach..etc.
I should be back in 4 weeks!

My weekly 10

I think I'm going to start something called "My weekly 10" which will consist of themed list of items, with an explanation. Of course like most things on my blog, all explanations are based off of my opinions. This list will be made every Wednesday, this should be fun stress reliever.

" 10 things guys my age should do when it comes to dating"

1. Introduction are our friends: No longer should the terms ma, shawty, aye sexy, aye, you with the booty, or you in the ____shirt/jacket/pants/skirt, be used to address a young lady. How about coming up to me, and introduce yourself. They should also refrain from giving me their hood name, street name, nick name, or whatever else they use outside of the name on their birth certificate. Just because all the homies call him D-Money, doesn't mean I'm going to be thrilled to do the same. So here is an example of what should be done. Young brotha see's a young lady walking past him, he should stifle the urge to say "aye ma". Before she gets too far, he should say excuse me miss, loud enough for her to hear. Being a young lady, she should turn around and meet him half way. He should then proceed with the following: " Hey my name is Darren, what's yours'....well nice to meet you Andrea. Well I'm pretty sure you are in route to somewhere important, but you caught my eyes. So I was wondering if we can exchange phone numbers, so we can get an opportunity to get to know each other"
2. How about wearing clothes that fit: When a young man pant's is sliding off his thighs, it is not attractive. If he has skinny jeans tighter than the jeans I have on, it is not attractive. If he is wearing skinny jeans that sag down to his thighs, I am just confused. The oversize shirts are also unnecissary, I should not have to wonder if it is a night gown or a t-shirt. Instead, a young man should try and find clothes that fit him. It tells me that he is a little more put together, and he doesn't feel the need to show off his snoopy boxers. I'm not going to lie, when a guy approaches me, I do my little once over. One thing I am sure to look out for is chicken legs, its just not my thing. So if they have on big ol baggy jeans, how am I to tell if behind all that material are very skinny legs. here are two pictures of guys that are wearing it right. Style of course an individual thing, I just don't thing the excess material is necessary.
   
3. Can you please look me in the eyes: Trust me, I understand that a young man will check out what a lady is working with. It's human nature! However, can it please be done in a discreet matter. Nothing annoys me more than a guy looking at my fully covered chest trying to determine my cup size while trying to have a conversation. I am not a popeye's meal my breast, legs and thighs will not be served on a plate to with gravy on the side.
   Keep the eyes on my face while trying to talk to me, I understand a little wandering, but if they are glued to everything below the neck. Then his name will be followed by a don't answer when saved into my cell.
4. Get your priorities straight: One of the things I always try to find out is, what a young man is trying to do with his life. I know everyone isn't going to have this complete thought out detailed plan. However the last thing I want to hear is, "I just want to kick it and chill, you know what I mean." No, I don't know what you mean, please get off your bottom, and make something of yourself. I can't count the amount of times I heard a guy tell me he want to be a rapper, NFL star, NBA star, or develop a video game console, but weren't actively doing anything to get there. I'm not going to knock anybody's dream, but if you have one, I think you need to work on making it a reality. Oh and less not forget those money hungry guys who talk about, "all I do is chase paper". Getting money and honeys, shouldn't be a young man's goal in life.
5. Please get all that bling out of my face: Being flashy isn't attractive. In fact for me, it is a deterrent. I really do not care how much money a guy has, as long as he is handling his business. I cannot stand when a guys tries to talk about how much money he has, how much stuff he buys, and all the material things he owns. It just sounds like he is trying to buy me, unfortunately I am not an item to be bought. If he can pay his own way on a date, than I'm happy. If he thinks that being flashy is a way to attract young ladies, then he is trying to find someone that only wants him for what he has..ie a gold digger.( not attractive)
6. Please clean up that language: my oh my, it amazing the language a young man has used in trying to "holla" at me. I remember this one guy who constantly said n*99@ at the end of every sentence, along with all kinds of other vulgar language. I do not go around cussing up a storm, do I cuss, at times yea. But it isn't something I do all day everyday. It especially unattractive when all females are referred to as hoes and or b*tches. Where is the respect for a young lady, I'm sorry but I am not going to think to highly of guy who does that. Is that how they would like their grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, or daughters to be treated. I would hope not. So lets not use those terms, and expand our vocabulary.
7. Thug life, is a no go: The amount of guys, including family members, that are involved in gang activity is riddiculous. Can someone please explain whats so fantastic about having to always look over the shoulder. Shooting someone because of the color of their shirt. How about black young men stop killing each other. I don't think it is appealing to have to worry about whether or not the guy that I am with will get shot. The amount of time spent on the streets could be used doing something more productive.
8. Stop asking if I am a Freak: This question irritates me like no other. If I just met a guy, the last thing he needs to be concerned with is whether or not I'm a freak. That right there will get him into my phone book as don't answer. It makes it apparent to me how quickly they want to get in my pants, and if that isn't the case, than they have showed otherwise. I'm pretty much an open book, except when it comes to sexual topics. Primarily because, I think it should be something that is discovered through exploration. I'm not big on talking about what I can do, if it is supposed to happen then let it happen. So everytime I am asked, I say No.
   
9. Be true to you: A young man needs to let go of the facade he puts up when trying to fit in. If you normally don't call a young lady outside her name, than why do it around your friends. If you are just trying to have fun, and nothing more, than say that. This is a new day and age, and there are females out their who don't want the relationship, they just want to have their fun and keep it pushing. As a young lady, I want to be attracted to a young man for who he is flaws and all. I don't want him to try to be who he thinks I would like, or what he boys would approve of. Be a leader, and be you. If I don't like him for who he is, o'well, there are lots of other young ladies in this world. Not every guy is my cup of tea, and I'm not every guys cup of tea. So if he was true to himself, then rejection wouldn't be such a big deal. If a person doesn't like you for who you are, life goes on.
   
10. I am not your ex: When a guy has been hurt by a woman, he lets it change his entire outlook on women. And some guys my age do not know how to grow from that experience. They become all bent out of shape, and treating every other girl they meet like she's nothing. I've seen it happen. I've seen young guys fall hard for someone, then get their heart broken. After that, they do their best not to get close to anyone else. They start singing to ICE BOX by Omarion like it's their new theme song. But when they do find a girl that gets close, they try to pin point every characterristic, trait, blood type, tattoo, that this new girl has in common with his ex. Please, stop carrying that unnecessary baggage. Learn the lesson, and move on for goodness sake. I had dated a guy who previous girlfriend was apparently extremely jealous, and always took his money. When we started dating, I notice how he would look at the floor when we were out in public, I asked him why did he do that. He said, "because I'm with you, and I don't want to look at other females so you don't get mad." I responded, " why would I get mad if you are only looking, it human nature." He said that his ex would cuss him out for looking...ding ding ding, I am not your ex. One day I was going to get my nails done, and he asked how much money did I need. I told him none, because I pay for myself. His eyes almost popped out of his head when I said that. It was sad, especially because at the time I was 15 and he was 16. Nonetheless, this is still an issue I deal with.
    

Anyway, look forward to next weeks post, when I talk about young ladies.

Self-Reliance

It has been a cool minute, but I am back!!!!

The year 2008, has come and gone with the blink of an eye. So much has happened, history has been made, tears have been shed, and laughter has wreaked havoc on unsuspecting bladders.

As I do a bit of introspection on this last day of the year, I have learned a few things about myself. A few things that I may have once been so sure about, but now question. All of which, are a part of self-growth.

One thing I’ve realize, is how much more self reliant I must become. Yes, I usually depend on me, to accomplish almost all of my short and long term goals.

However, there are time when I have relied on some family members and “friends”, and have felt like I’ve been left in the dust. It those occasions when you rely on individual to be there to support you emotionally, and help motivate, and they do nothing but break you down.

One person who has officially ended up on the shit list of 2008 is my sperm donor, aka my father. It’s funny when you think things have been patched up and you can turn to a parent to be there for you, and they aren’t. I’ve officially close the book on him, if there is anything that he has taught me, it is what a man isn’t.

As far as “friends” go, you should be able to relying on them to respect you enough as a person. And I’m not referring to the friends people have that are at arms length, I’m referring to those you bring into you life whole heartedly. The ones that know not only your strengths, but also the weaknesses that could possibly tear you down. The people that know the lines that should not be crossed, and they cross them anyway.

At one point of time, I thought I cut those individuals out of my life. You know the ones that took the rug from underneath me. I thought I shut my emotions down, and walked away. Then I realize, the next part of having self-reliance, is the ability to forgive and let go of the negativity. However, to keep with you the lessons learned.

So as I am entering a new year, I have rehashed a few friendships. Knowing that if I hold on to the bitterness, it will only make me weak, needy, and vulnerable.

One may wonder, why not rehash the relationship with my own flesh and blood. Well my father has used up all his chances. In fact, keeping him involved will only chip away at my strength.

I don’t have the whole me against the world chip on my shoulder. But I do feel that if I’m going to get where I want to be; I better be able to stand up and hold my own.

2009, here I come!!!!

The Alpha-Beta female seeking Alph-Beta male

So the other day, I was having a wonderful conversation with one of my Alpha Female friends. Among the topics, were boys and men and how we interact with them. She has long since told me, that I act very much like a dude in a relationship, but I still have the essence of a lady.
This was not news to me, I already had this self discovery. But what she said next surprised me, she said, "Andrea, you need a Beta male". I looked at her like she had lost her mind. The mere idea of dating a man, that would oblige my every whim is extremely unattractive. I do not want to have the ability to bark jump, and he looks at me eagerly waiting to say how high, how many times, and which directions. So I stated, I probably would best fit with an Alpha male. Someone who is opinionated, mentally strong, driven, and willing to ATTEMPT to put me in my place. I want the challenge, the devil advocacy, you know the fire. I'm not saying I want a relationship full of debates and trying to be one up, but I am saying that I want someone who has a backbone.
Then my dear friend brought up a good point. An Alpha Male will always want to be in charge, and might not see you as an equal. I already know how stubborn I can be, and If I do not see the other person making an attempt to compromise, then I am standing my ground. I'm also to feisty to have someone dictate to me, and think I will hop to do it. He may think its cute at first, like awww she's trying to be difficult. After a while he may just get irritated with my inability to comply to his request.
When the conversation finally concluded, I believe the best person for me would be an Alpha-Beta male. I most certainly belive that I am an Alpha-Beta female. Yes I may have my demands, I can take charge, lead, and walk around like I own the place, have my opinions (and willing to express them), have a low tolerance for bull, and what not. But I can also compromise and meet someone half way, I prefer to stand side by side, believing no one should really be leading the other. I want this sense of equality in my relationships.
As I assessed some of my past ones, I've dated quiet of few Beta males, who perpetrated being Alpha males. The truth would eventually come out. I dated two Alpha males,one was a bit too much on the jealous side. Basically, I felt like a lot of my past relationships did not have a balance. Considering how stable I like to be, those rocky relationship weren't cutting. I know there will never be a perfect relationship. I am not looking for perfect. I just want to know my man is just a strong minded as I am, but will to meet me half way when the time calls for it.

What do you think?

Men with woman like tendencies

What is really going on these days! My goodness, have we reached a point where Men have become a bit more feminine.
In a relationship, I'm chill. I'm not all over my boyfriend like where you at, where you been, where you going..lol. It's more of, you are your own person capable of making good decisions, if you choose otherwise, be prepared to face the consequences.
Having two older brothers and a tomboy older sister, I can be very nonchalant about things. Certain stuff that would bother others isn't an issue with me. If my boyfriend wants to go hang with the boys and watch strippers, go'head, just don't cross the line..ie..receiving hand jobs, bj, giving oral, sex..and such and such. If a girl passes in front us, go ahead and look (not stare), its human nature. Of course, it is only fair that I am able to do the same. I used to be big on being called everyday, but now, not so much..maybe because I got more to do these days. But if he doesn't call, then I'll call him. It really isn't a big deal. My male friends enjoy talking to me because I'm chill, but can also offer good advice as to why their girlfriend is upset with them. See, I may get irritated about somethings a guy would do, but I think about. Why does it upset me, is it a big deal, if not I let it go, if it is..I speak my mind..just that simple.
But man, these guys these days..smh..I'm wondering what is really going on. I was kicking it with male friend the other day. We were talking about relationships and what not. He was saying how he used to have issues with his girl because she wasn't jealous enough. WTF?!!! Thats stuff girls say, oh I dont think my man cares because he doesn't get jealous. But here I was listening to my 22 year old friend say, "I didn't think she cared because she wouldn't get jealous....a girl would stare me down and say hey sexy, and my girlfriend wouldn't even react". I was looking at him in utter disbelief. Like what did you want your girl to do..say "ah hell nah, betta stop looking at my man!" He looked at me, and said "YES!"(oh, wow, smh) And he went on to say how if she doesn't call him or always says she will call him back, he feels like she doesn't want him. I stood their listening to this craziness. Thinking, this is stuff I expect to hear from a female. Why does this boy need so much attention?
So then I went on to tell him how I don't trip, here is the convo.
Me: Im not really the jealous type, and I give my boyfriend space.
friend: when was the last time you talk to him
me: yesterday
friend: who called who
me: he called me
Friend: why haven't you called him today
Me: because I talked to him for hrs yesterday, I didn't think it was necessary to call today
Friend: you should call him, it shows you care, he's probably waiting on you to call
Me: I was gonna hit him up tomorrow
Friend: No call him when you get on campus. My girl used to not call and it would irritate me. Then I would call her and be like oh I'm going out, and she would just say ok like she didn't care.
Me: maybe she did care, and just didn't make a big deal
Friend: I want her to make a big deal....

I was like, wow, this is a mess. But I took my friends advice and called my boyfriend, who enthusiastically got happy because I called him. I didn't want to completely deem this as woman like behavior. Then he asked " baby who all have you told that you are in a relationship, what did you say, what did they say?"
I looked at my phone crooked and few thoughts ran through my mind. Why is all that necessary. Who cares what people say.Which bring about other questions like,why is it that you compare yourself to other guys all the time, why do you think I need to wear a "promise ring" to show I am taken. I want to just tell him to man up sometimes. My roommate put a wager down saying that my boyfriend will profess his love by the time we reach our one month. I hope not, I'm trying to take it slow..there is no need to rush.
But there is an epidemic, a lot young ladies I know are running into these guys that act like overly sensitive women.
These guys fall in love after 2 weeks! Then goes on a fit about feeling used..lol...and heartbroken!
Can someone please tell them to take the panties off and put their boxers back on!
ASIDE: Its a beautiful thing to be a woman, how ever, I do not want my man to act like one. I believe I can hold down the "woman" position in the relationship all by myself.
End of aside.


Top Ten Signs your man has female tendencies

1. He calls you in a fit, because you haven't called him
2. He gets mad when you don't get jealous, and walks around with a bad attitude until you ask him what wrong or you can telepathically figure it out.
   
3. He wants to know how everyone you know feels about him
4. He compares himself to every guy
   
5. Always goes into full detail about what outfit he's going to where when he has plan to see you..so what if your dark blue sean john jeans have baby blue stitch marks that match your DC baby blue hat. Just make sure you are and look clean, and wear close that fit.
   
6. Quizzes you on stuff like, what time of day did I ask you out, what time did we have our first kiss, hug, smile..etc or all his favorite things.
   
7. Feelings get super butt hurt because you are going out with the girls and not spending time with him...( Damn didn't I just see you yesterday)
8. Needs your complete attention and eye contact when he talks to you
9. Wants to know why he isn't in the number one space on Myspace and Facebook
10. already heads over heels in love, and it hasn't event been a month and added his last name to your first name to see what it sounds like.
    

Now my boyfriend doesn't exhibit all of these, I had to reach out to other resources to make this list. Please feel free to add on.

Miss Independent

I must say, I am seriously feeling Ne-yo's new song. It was first introduced to it by my boyfriend, who decided to make it my assigned ringtone. After I listened to it on imeem.com, I knew this song had to be one of my anthems.
As of now, the title will be Junior Miss. Independent, since I am a full time college student (NURSING MAJOR WOOT WOOT) and still need assistance in paying for education(thanks mom). As you may have read before, I am definitely a young lady who stays on top of her ish. I have 2 and a half jobs (job 1= Associate in Admissions office, job 2= tutor{math, english, and science}, job 1/2= seasonal price changer at Macy's) , I am Coordinator of the tour guide program, President of African American Council of Women, Sophomore Nursing Student Representative, and Member of the California Nursing Student Association. With all of that, I manage to study, pay my bills, socialize, and hang with my friends and boyfriend( or at least talk to them).
I do all of that because it makes me feel good to be busy, to have a lot to do. I work under pressure, pressure keeps me motivated. So when I have a plethora of things to do, I buckle down and get it done. Which is one of the main reasons I haven't been blogging much. I love being behind the wheel of my own destiny, and taking hold of my present and future.
These days I pay special attention to who I let in my life, or back into my life. As of recently, a few people I told to hit the road, are trying to rekindle a friendship. I'm still debating, and I'm definitely leaning towards NOT rebuilding a friendship. I realize, once a door has been closed, it needs to stay closed. I like to keep moving forward, sometimes I look back, but I don't stop to stare, I gotta make moves.
Now my boyfriend is doing an ok job at handling me and my schedule. I hear the "you're spreading yourself too thin" or the "you don't have much time for me" spiels. Generally this happens when he is trying to hang out, and I'm looking at my schedule realizing I don't have the time. I think he's just not busy enough. He's taking the semester off, and works one job. So when he has a day off he has nothing to do. However, when I have a day off, I still have other things scheduled. I let him know all of this before we got into a relationship, and considering it's still new, I am not going to alter my entire schedule. I will make time, but nothing drastic. If we are still together come 3-6 months, than I might leave special time just for him, as long as it doesn't conflict with school and work.
ASIDE: reading that last sentence made me sound like a woman who would put her career before her home. Right now, I'm young (19) and I need to reach my goals. So a relationship isn't the top of my priorities. It is somewhere on the list, but definitely not the top 10. After 23-24when I have my Masters, then my priorities will undergo construction. Right now, he'll just have to work his way up the ladder, and I hope its the same circumstances for him. I definitely do not think I need to be the top of his priorities right now. Maybe I need to have a conversation about this to make sure we are on the same page.....
End of Aside

My lovely mother enjoys seeing the person I am blossoming into, it chokes her up when she talks about it. Especially this year, I noticed an increase in her emotional responses when I go home and leave. Its the realization that her baby is really doing big things all by herself. After saving up some money, I bought my mom a necklace with a message engraved into it. The words basically read that she has raised me well, and now she must trust to let me go free and prosper. When she looks at me, I can see how proud she is of me, and it makes me feel so good. I love making her proud, and I'm glad its through doing something I want to do. I must say, I am probably a clone of my mother. Besides looking a like, I have sipped from her strength, power, elegance, and feistyness. ( Do not play, my mother looks and sounds sweet, be she can burn you without you realizing it at first) I've always been a mommas girl!

Well I think I am done with this post. I started it on the 12th of September, and it is now the 19th..lol..so sad.

My top 10 empowering songs for women..in no particular order

1. you gotta be by Des'ree
2. Independent Woman by Destiny's Child
   
3. Miss Independent by Ne-yo
   
4. Like this by Kelly Rowland
   
5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T by Aretha Franklin
6. Back up by Beyonce
7. Superwoman by Alicia Keys
8. I'm ever woman by Chaka Khan
9. Independent by Webbie...( got to love this when I'm rolling on the 405)
10. Survivor by Destiny's Child
    

Boyfriends?

Boyfriends, what is the meaning of those things anyway. Are they accessories to be worn in order to match my purple dress, white waist belt, and white cork heeled opened toed shoes? Are they like some inexpensive drug that puts you on an emotional roller coaster, causing you to scream on television, “CRACK IS WACK”?! Or do they replace liquid courage with a more solid form?

Not too long ago, I would have easily been able to define a boyfriend. Perhaps, my glass is beginning to look a bit more half empty than half full. I’ll let you know the outcome once I’ve checked the fridge for more 2% chocolate milk, may be I need to scratch the chocolate part and just get the milk. As I continue to live up my summer, I keep wondering, why should I become someone’s girlfriend. The single and mingling life is looking pretty good these days. The new comers are keeping me entertained, and I’m keeping them at arms length.

Every once in a while I will let one get close enough. I’ll start lowering that iron wall, and soften up bit. Then, that is exactly when things go down hill. My possible prospect would turn out to be a waste of time and energy. Take for instance this situation. I was talking to someone, and I think the hours we spent together had us on a semi-fast track. The first “date” was at Denny’s, primarily because I was just getting off of work, and wanted to meet up somewhere close to home and a casual setting. We manage to sit there for 4 hrs just talking. When the bill came, I took out my money to pay for my meal, but he insisted on paying the $17 dollar bill(We ate something simple, I wasn’t very hungry). I went ahead and left the tip. After the little dinner, we parted way, and he texted me to see if I was still up for a night walk that I had mentioned earlier. So we took a 3hr walk at night. Now lets fast-forward!

Do not get me wrong, I have no problem buying someone something to eat. When you are hungry and low on funds, don’t worry, I got you. However, please have a conscience. This gentleman, and I use the term loosely, knows of my 2 jobs that I am currently working. He also knows that I was/am saving greater portions of my checks for school supplies and books. He doesn’t know the amount, but come on, you know I am working 12hr shifts Mon-Fri. So when you complain about being hungry and wanting food, it would behoove you, to not ask for the MOST expensive item on the menu. I’m not asking for reimbursements, but damn, where is your conscience. That, and among other things, have swept any of his possible chances away.

See, I had taken a break from the dating world to avoid the onset of bitterness from disappointing relationships. Now as a single and mingling gal, why bother getting into one. I feel like, at this age, I will just be wasting my time and effort on someone undeserving. I am on summer break, with a busy schedule, that promises to get worst once school starts. The little time I have now to go wild and have fun will not be spent on some temp.

Right now, a boyfriend seems like an emotionally draining parasite. I think I rather cater to myself, and have my fun, with my own restrictions.

Brrrrr..its cold in here.

My public persona is definitely a façade many fall for. I smile, laugh, comfort, make conversation, and exchange all pleasantries. Why, because I am a people’s person, and I love working with individuals.

However, truth be told, I have become a rather cold person. Yes I still become emotional about some things, I’m human, but things do not affect like they used to. When I cry, its not due to being sad, but being so frustrated-so angry.

Take for instance the day of my birthday get-together. I found myself frustrated with the amount of people who canceled last minute. Had it been a normal gathering, per se at my place, it would have been an issue. However, it was at a bowling alley where I had to reserve lanes in order to accommodate my guests. I had planned early, and requested conformation for attendance plenty of times. Yet still, last minute people were canceling, and I was watching possible book money go down the drain. So out of pure frustration and talking to my lovely cousin who was trying to cheer me up, I cried. Nonetheless, I had a wonderful time with those who came to celebrate.

Later that night, something very shady went down. I will not go into complete details, but a best friend, whom I thought would have some respect for me crossed the line. Now instead of going off, doing bodily harm, belittling, or anything of that nature- I stayed abnormally calmed…got out the car… and walked home at 2am. I didn’t cry, throw things or anything. I was just extremely pissed off, and cut that best friend out of my life telling him to refrain from contacting me.

As of late, I notice how easy it is to dismiss someone from my life without a second thought or feeling. Am I proud of this, no. At the same time I almost do not care.

I’m starting to wonder, if I am truly losing the warm caring part of myself.

That’s it for now, maybe I will expand on this later.

Today is my Birthday

I am 19, woot woot. Although I had a 12 hr work day, I still managed to fit in a bit of fun with family. However, this Saturday, will be another story. ;-D